Sometimes I really do wonder where my brain has gone! I am so glad I have wonderful people around me to help save me from myself!!
Like the time I pulled into the garage, not thinking clearly, opened up my car door to get out and realized when the car lurched forward, that I had not only NOT put the car in park, but had not turned if off either!!! Thank goodness I didn't pull up closer to the back of the garage that time, or I would have gone through it!!!
Or last week...the Ice Cream and Toilet incident! I have a small part in a new team at work that is in the process of changing and creating new designs for the Carinessa style. Our Manager went out and bought everyone yummy shakes at a local ice cream place for "Thank You's" for the meeting. They were huge! I got about half of it down in the meeting, and then went back to work. Later my boss came by and said that he dumped the rest of his in the toilet, he couldn't finish it all...mmmmm....good idea! I didn't want to put the rest in the trash and come back Monday to soured milk...so I moosied my way over to the bathroom, and thinking that my "shake" had melted to milk...I tipped it over the toilet and realized (too late!) that there was still mounds of ice cream at the bottom of the cup! Before I could think, the ice cream/milk mixture dived into the toilet and exploded up in waves of strawberry and peanut butter torrents!!! It went EVERYWHERE!!!! Oozing down the sides of the stale, slopping over the toilet seat in chunky brown peanut clumps, seeping through the cracks in the tile...everywhere!!! No Mom...I didn't leave it there, as much as I wanted to!! Since it now looked and felt like the consistency of throw-up!!! I cleaned it up as best as I could and nonchalantly walked myself out of there!!!
And Saturday....Gentry (another roommate) bought some baby oil gel and swore it was a beauty secret. Said that you put it on your legs instead of lotion and it would keep your legs soft and silky all day....so...I decided that sounding like it deserved a try. I squirted out enough to "lotion" up my legs and was amazed at how soft it did seem...finished my hair and makeup, and then went to get dressed...I touched my legs and was HORRIFIED at the slimy, greasy feeling that met my fingertips!!! This stuff was like...well...OIL! I couldn't get it off!!! They should have had a warning!!! Customer needs only pinky-tip amount for whole body usage!!! I tried to get it off with paper towels, and moved to a hand towel with no change in greasy icky texture!!! I finally had to get ready for the Temple and could feel it oozing out of my nylons, and greasing the very air and sucking all the dirt particles to my "oh so soft" legs!! Even after showering the following day, it was like water repellent!!!
I know...silly stuff to write about...but I needed something a little more upbeat! Hope you enjoyed the moments of blond!
Monday, March 9, 2009
Be careful who you give your number to!
I started getting phone calls and text messages from an unknown person last week....they wouldnt stop calling or texting even when I told him to stop and even ignored him....The person said they knew who I was and started being really creapy about hidding who he was while saying he knew me....I thought at first it was just another horrible addition to this divorce since I have received calls from unknown persons and horrible texts before...I kept thinking that Crissy finally posted my pictures on the internet like she threatened....He started talking about what I looked like and wanting to know more and all sorts of stuff that I did not appreciate...come to find out....He works at Walmart were I just got my car taken care of the day before! He memorized my number ( they asked for it to call me when they were done with my car!) and started calling me about an hour later! Be careful who you give your number out to!!! I told my roommates about this, and one of them had the same experience a while ago!!! Now this person has all my information!! My address, phone number, information on my car and liscense!! Not something I ever thought I would have to be worried about!!!
Monday, March 2, 2009
"Too Righteous"
I have been told of late that I am “too righteous”…I refuse to believe that. I refuse to believe that there is such a thing as being “too righteous”….
No. I don’t feel tempted to drink alcohol, I don’t smoke, don’t partake of caffeine…I am not tempted by R movies; I don’t feel that perverse humor is funny. I don’t feel tempted to steal or cheat my fellow man…I don’t feel the pull of pornography and I have never been unfaithful in my marriage. I have not broken my Temple Covenants.
But I have not risen to such a title as “too righteous”.
I still struggle to read the scriptures every day.
I still struggle to pray both morning and night and all the little times in between.
I struggle to use my time wisely, to not sleep too long, to pay complete attention at church meetings.
I still struggle with the hurt and anger and sometimes hate that I feel about what my husband has done to myself and himself…to our no longer “future children” and life together.
I struggle to pray and wait to hear what the Lord would have me do.
I struggle with my self-worth….my self esteem….it has been very hard to keep my head above the awful words and doubts that Travis and Crissy has created for me..
At my moments of weakness, I struggle with faith that the Lord will provide
There are many, many, many things I need to and are trying to work on…
But God still loves me. I know that he is proud of me and that he is happy (overall) with my attempts to draw closer unto Him. I wish I were “too righteous”…
I would have faith, at all times, to know that God will watch out for me and that blessings beyond my comprehension are right around the corner.
I would love Travis with all my heart and not want any ill will for him.
I would not feel anger, or more than anger towards him. I would be able to pray more fully for the welfare of his soul..
I would be able to fully forgive him
I would be able to give God all my pain
I would know the Lords will and be able to say the right things.
I am not too righteous…I am STRIVING for righteousness. I cannot survive this trial, this hurt without letting the Lord take my burdens…
The hurt and the ache in my heart…the extreme pain of it all. I am striving to be better and better than I have ever been before…not because I think I am better than anyone else…but because it is the only way I know that will help me to survive! I am so scared! I am scared that I will hate him! Scared that I will become bitter and angry and think things that I will regret! I want so much to forget what has happened. To take some pills and make it all go away…to drink him and his horrible words out of my head….but I am so scared…scared of how much more it will all hurt when I wake up…
I have prayed so hard…more fervently then I have ever prayed in my life…and I have felt God take away the anguish…He has helped me to survive. Some days it is hour by hour, others it is minute by minute…
I want to survive this. I don’t want to lose myself in the pain and the lies. He is the only way.
No. I don’t feel tempted to drink alcohol, I don’t smoke, don’t partake of caffeine…I am not tempted by R movies; I don’t feel that perverse humor is funny. I don’t feel tempted to steal or cheat my fellow man…I don’t feel the pull of pornography and I have never been unfaithful in my marriage. I have not broken my Temple Covenants.
But I have not risen to such a title as “too righteous”.
I still struggle to read the scriptures every day.
I still struggle to pray both morning and night and all the little times in between.
I struggle to use my time wisely, to not sleep too long, to pay complete attention at church meetings.
I still struggle with the hurt and anger and sometimes hate that I feel about what my husband has done to myself and himself…to our no longer “future children” and life together.
I struggle to pray and wait to hear what the Lord would have me do.
I struggle with my self-worth….my self esteem….it has been very hard to keep my head above the awful words and doubts that Travis and Crissy has created for me..
At my moments of weakness, I struggle with faith that the Lord will provide
There are many, many, many things I need to and are trying to work on…
But God still loves me. I know that he is proud of me and that he is happy (overall) with my attempts to draw closer unto Him. I wish I were “too righteous”…
I would have faith, at all times, to know that God will watch out for me and that blessings beyond my comprehension are right around the corner.
I would love Travis with all my heart and not want any ill will for him.
I would not feel anger, or more than anger towards him. I would be able to pray more fully for the welfare of his soul..
I would be able to fully forgive him
I would be able to give God all my pain
I would know the Lords will and be able to say the right things.
I am not too righteous…I am STRIVING for righteousness. I cannot survive this trial, this hurt without letting the Lord take my burdens…
The hurt and the ache in my heart…the extreme pain of it all. I am striving to be better and better than I have ever been before…not because I think I am better than anyone else…but because it is the only way I know that will help me to survive! I am so scared! I am scared that I will hate him! Scared that I will become bitter and angry and think things that I will regret! I want so much to forget what has happened. To take some pills and make it all go away…to drink him and his horrible words out of my head….but I am so scared…scared of how much more it will all hurt when I wake up…
I have prayed so hard…more fervently then I have ever prayed in my life…and I have felt God take away the anguish…He has helped me to survive. Some days it is hour by hour, others it is minute by minute…
I want to survive this. I don’t want to lose myself in the pain and the lies. He is the only way.
BRING ON THE RIGHTEOUSNESS!!!
Why?
I used to write poetry a long time ago as a way to heal from things....I haven't written any in years, but like I needed to get some things off of my heart....I'm sorry for those who will read this! It's not that good, but it made me feel better, so I guess (as poetry goes) it works!
Why? Why? Why?
Throbbing…pulsing…deep in my veins
Why? Why? Why?
Constant. Repeating.
The aching remains
How could you? How could she?
All that has been committed
All the things said by you…by her…by them…
Why? Why? Why?
How could you…..
I see you…deep down in your pit
Covered in your own soridness
Torn and broken by your choices
Eyes tormented…begging for mercy….help…
Save me from myself
Your hand reaches out
Hope soars in my heart
Short-lived
Your hand does not grasp mine
Empty words, empty promises slap my face into the dirt
Dragging me back into your ruin
Digging….angry words of malice
Making me replay those words…stop….don’t make me…
You’re worthless….argue….ugly….boring…all your fault….not worth fighting for…
Argue…not as funny as her….not as pretty….not worth begging for….stupid….
Dumb….how could you not have known….you cheated on him…had a baby with a friend….
Whore….uneducated…for him to be with you, he has to think of me….barren….worthless…
If you had been better at_____....you pushed him to this….he hates you….we laugh about you
Sent me a picture of you…ugly girl…..she’s my friend….yes I love her….I’m not choosing sides…
Leave her alone….he’ll always pick me…he tells me he loves me…stuck with you…getting out….
the things he has told me…ashamed to even call yourself a woman….
Lies…Lies…Lies
Everything sacred…every beautiful moment….marred…
Every kiss, every hug, every touch…..holding hands as we fall into sleep…
Why? How could you? Why?
I see you. Across the alter….eyes filling with tears…
Our hands grasp. Tenderness…love…kindness..hope…future…
It’s all there
I would never have believed…never
You’d be the one to tear me apart…
Cause me to fall upon my knees
Begging HIM to grant me peace
To end it…to let me be….
To tame the raging animal….clawing its way out….
Making my heart pound
Why? Why? Why?
The room spins, the pain. Raw. Too much to bear
I can feel it clawing. Make it stop!
So piercing. So hollow.
Empty. Burnt. Yearning. Gnawing. Finding its way out
I feel it war inside…feel it rage
Anguish…
Oh Travis….you were my husband….why?
Why? Why? Why?
Throbbing…pulsing…deep in my veins
Why? Why? Why?
Constant. Repeating.
The aching remains
How could you? How could she?
All that has been committed
All the things said by you…by her…by them…
Why? Why? Why?
How could you…..
I see you…deep down in your pit
Covered in your own soridness
Torn and broken by your choices
Eyes tormented…begging for mercy….help…
Save me from myself
Your hand reaches out
Hope soars in my heart
Short-lived
Your hand does not grasp mine
Empty words, empty promises slap my face into the dirt
Dragging me back into your ruin
Digging….angry words of malice
Making me replay those words…stop….don’t make me…
You’re worthless….argue….ugly….boring…all your fault….not worth fighting for…
Argue…not as funny as her….not as pretty….not worth begging for….stupid….
Dumb….how could you not have known….you cheated on him…had a baby with a friend….
Whore….uneducated…for him to be with you, he has to think of me….barren….worthless…
If you had been better at_____....you pushed him to this….he hates you….we laugh about you
Sent me a picture of you…ugly girl…..she’s my friend….yes I love her….I’m not choosing sides…
Leave her alone….he’ll always pick me…he tells me he loves me…stuck with you…getting out….
the things he has told me…ashamed to even call yourself a woman….
Lies…Lies…Lies
Everything sacred…every beautiful moment….marred…
Every kiss, every hug, every touch…..holding hands as we fall into sleep…
Why? How could you? Why?
I see you. Across the alter….eyes filling with tears…
Our hands grasp. Tenderness…love…kindness..hope…future…
It’s all there
I would never have believed…never
You’d be the one to tear me apart…
Cause me to fall upon my knees
Begging HIM to grant me peace
To end it…to let me be….
To tame the raging animal….clawing its way out….
Making my heart pound
Why? Why? Why?
The room spins, the pain. Raw. Too much to bear
I can feel it clawing. Make it stop!
So piercing. So hollow.
Empty. Burnt. Yearning. Gnawing. Finding its way out
I feel it war inside…feel it rage
Anguish…
Oh Travis….you were my husband….why?
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