No. I don’t feel tempted to drink alcohol, I don’t smoke, don’t partake of caffeine…I am not tempted by R movies; I don’t feel that perverse humor is funny. I don’t feel tempted to steal or cheat my fellow man…I don’t feel the pull of pornography and I have never been unfaithful in my marriage. I have not broken my Temple Covenants.
But I have not risen to such a title as “too righteous”.
I still struggle to read the scriptures every day.
I still struggle to pray both morning and night and all the little times in between.
I struggle to use my time wisely, to not sleep too long, to pay complete attention at church meetings.
I still struggle with the hurt and anger and sometimes hate that I feel about what my husband has done to myself and himself…to our no longer “future children” and life together.
I struggle to pray and wait to hear what the Lord would have me do.
I struggle with my self-worth….my self esteem….it has been very hard to keep my head above the awful words and doubts that Travis and Crissy has created for me..
At my moments of weakness, I struggle with faith that the Lord will provide
There are many, many, many things I need to and are trying to work on…
But God still loves me. I know that he is proud of me and that he is happy (overall) with my attempts to draw closer unto Him. I wish I were “too righteous”…
I would have faith, at all times, to know that God will watch out for me and that blessings beyond my comprehension are right around the corner.
I would love Travis with all my heart and not want any ill will for him.
I would not feel anger, or more than anger towards him. I would be able to pray more fully for the welfare of his soul..
I would be able to fully forgive him
I would be able to give God all my pain
I would know the Lords will and be able to say the right things.
I am not too righteous…I am STRIVING for righteousness. I cannot survive this trial, this hurt without letting the Lord take my burdens…
The hurt and the ache in my heart…the extreme pain of it all. I am striving to be better and better than I have ever been before…not because I think I am better than anyone else…but because it is the only way I know that will help me to survive! I am so scared! I am scared that I will hate him! Scared that I will become bitter and angry and think things that I will regret! I want so much to forget what has happened. To take some pills and make it all go away…to drink him and his horrible words out of my head….but I am so scared…scared of how much more it will all hurt when I wake up…
I have prayed so hard…more fervently then I have ever prayed in my life…and I have felt God take away the anguish…He has helped me to survive. Some days it is hour by hour, others it is minute by minute…
I want to survive this. I don’t want to lose myself in the pain and the lies. He is the only way.
BRING ON THE RIGHTEOUSNESS!!!
April, you are right. Becoming as close as you can to the Lord is the best thing to do. It's the only thing that will heal you. Christ has felt the exact pains you're going through, and he went through it because he loves you and so that he would know how to comfort you. You are an amazing, strong, beautiful woman. Don't let anyone tell you differently. One idea I have for you is to fast and pray for Charity (if you're not already). I love you April, so much, and I pray for you. You'll get through this because you're doing what you're supposed to. The Lord will take care of you. He loves you and wants you to be happy.
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me but I truly feel you are a blessing. I ran across your blog tonight after goggling Beehive clothing...I share a similar experience with you. But after 17 years and 4 children later is the divorce going through. My husband did change and not for the better. I morn what we could have had. He too moved to New York to live a life away from his family.
ReplyDeleteIt is good to see how well you seem to be doing now. I truly hope I can get to that place. I don't want to be bitter. I want to live the best life I can. I truly feel my prayers where answered and that I am not alone. Thank you.